The mercury has been stuck at -200 Celsius for weeks, you may be dying of pneumonia, and people who claim to be distant relatives are still camped out on the living room floor. But there are still at least 10 good reasons to continue living in Russia
10. The Impossible is always Possible. Quick, name an industrialized nation that gives its workers two weeks vacation - with pay - just because it happens to be January. That's right, Russia. Yes, domestic violence rates, not to mention vodka consumption, may spike during the commercial breaks, especially if escaping to Courcheval, France is not your cup of tea. But it's the thought that counts, right? Now try to imagine one of our representatives in the U.S. Senate suggesting from the rostrum, "You know, fellow white guys, since American workers receive the stingiest vacation packages in the free world, let's return the favor and give them a paid holiday" (deathly silence). Let's face it, Hell has a better chance of hosting the next Winter Olympics. This is because Monsters Inc. has got America's ‘leaders' - Democrat or Republican, Obama or Billary, it doesn't make a damn difference anymore - attached to one of those 500-Volt poodle prodders. "Give MY workers an extended paid vacation, will you, Buffy?! Not on my watch, baby... ZAAAP!"
9. Life is always happening. In many western countries, it is occasionally necessary to resort to self-inflicted pain to remind yourself that you are still alive. And then when something actually does happen, it's usually pretty insignificant, like maybe your neighbor peering out between the blinds waiting for something to happen too. Then a car will drive down the street with its headlights off and you'll have to pop a Prozac to calm your paranoia. But Russian streets are electrified with frenetic activity day and night. Crazy things happening everywhere, overloading the sensory receptors, firing the motor neurons, leaving you feeling strangely satisfied. We Americans regularly receive our medical therapy from the local drugstore; Russians get it for free on the street.
8. You, ugly foreigner, are exotic fruit, an endangered species, a living, breathing Dodo bird. Although foreigners have lost much of the mystique they enjoyed before the Russian economy tanked in the summer of '98, Russian beauties are still willing to cross the yawning chasm of a dance floor to flirt with you, even if it's just a ploy to brush up on their English-speaking skills. Note: Russia is slowly pulling up the drawbridge across its massive moat, enforcing a crazy visa regime, making exotic foreigners more endangered than ever.
7. Nobody Will Beat You Up for Criticizing Your Stupid Country. Believe it or not, there are still parts of America, reportedly near the Texas-Mexico border, where bad-mouthing King George II will trigger an ugly bar brawl. But feel free to walk into Moscow's Red Square anytime of day or night and scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh my GAWD! What is happening to my country!?" Just don't scream these words in the Russian language and everything should be okay.
6. You don't need a vehicle to live in Russia, unless you are a taxi driver. Getting from Point A to Point B on the Moscow Metro, for example, is predictably safe, fast and reliable. A unique mobile party arrives at polished platforms every 2-3 minutes. Yes, there is the unbearable rush-hour crush, but if you are not deathly allergic to fur coats, you will survive the ordeal. Despite this relative luxury, however, millions of masochistic motorists still get their kicks sitting in solid traffic, negotiating with the rapacious road police, and looking for a parking space on the sidewalk. Just don't tell this motorized Mongol horde how easy the metro is - it's too crowded already.
5. You will probably survive Hitchhiking. Gypsy cabdrivers will probably not kill you, and this is because you have agreed to a price for their ‘professional' services before entering Christine. Any violence on the part of the driver violates the conditions of the gentlemen's contract and, well, that's just not right (In America, endangered hitchhikers regularly lose their lives precisely due to this lack of an oral contract). Plus, killing your customers is not really good for business in the long-term, of course. Before I am accused of making light of death, I should provide some pointers: check the license plate of the vehicle before jumping into the passenger seat; phone the number to a friend as the driver leers at you. Hail the taxi with a friend, even if he or she is not going to travel with you. Sit in the backseat and mumble incoherent things to yourself - you'll get to your destination faster. Let a native Russian negotiate the price; foreigners have a tendency for paying foreigner rates. Lastly, if a taxi driver waves a handgun in your face while he's driving, it does not necessarily mean, as I learned many years ago, that he wants to kill you. He may just want to sell you the gun.
4. Friends back Home will think you are a big, fat Hero. Thanks in no small part to the "free" western media, which is free only when it comes to painting Russia black at every opportunity, working and living in Russia ranks somewhere between Peace Corp worker and Soldier of Fortune. Back home at the local pub, when expatriates explain to wide-eyed patrons that they work in Russia, it is usually necessary to explain that the experience little resembles Crime and Punishment, War and Peace, or The Gulag Archipelago.
3. Mellow Police. Yes, I am serious. I have come to this conclusion after many years of living in Moscow. Returning home (you know you've been gone long when going home gives you culture shock) it is obvious that we Americans have a morbid fear of our police officers - and vice versa. Despite all of the hyperbole to the contrary, Russians show no inordinate discomfort or dread around their police. A few examples will have to suffice: On Russia's roads, motorists regularly zip past police cruisers as if the latter were not there. In America, drivers tail behind the cruisers like spooked sheep. In Russia, when a police car pulls a motorist over, it is common for both drivers to exit their vehicles and engage in conversation on the shoulder of the road. An American motorist who exits his or her vehicle upon being stopped by the police could easily find themselves staring down the end of a barrel. Since moving to Moscow, a metropolis of 11 million people, I have never seen a police officer draw his weapon, or employ excessive force when making an arrest. Although there are the notorious exceptions, as with police everywhere, Russians generally enjoy an unspoken rapport with the law. After all, why should anybody have an innate fear of their guardians? In America, any feelings of trust that existed between the people and the law vanished sometime between Elvis and the Beatles. Today, a "beat cop" would never be confused as the friendly Irish guy who "walked the beat," talking to neighbors and passing out candy to kids. America's epidemic gun, drug and gang culture is much to blame. In the eye of this perfect social storm, U.S. cops regularly overreact to everyday situations.
All things considered - especially when we figure in the ongoing attack on civil liberties thanks to the war on shadows - my otherwise great nation is one bus stop away from becoming a bona fide "F" state - and that's one F word I would never want to write.
2. You are about 6,000 miles away from the (yawn, stretch) U.S. presidential primaries, where Hillary has very good chances of continuing the monarchial 20-year Bush-Clinton Dynasty (third-party factions need-not-apply). The motivation behind this neo-nepotism, this incestuous orgy at the commanding heights, is obvious: the self-anointed elite must protect the Golden Calf of the Corporate Grail at all costs. To allow a third party candidate to spike the ball in Washington's end zone would mean having to share the booty. And that is no fun. No wonder the U.S. continues to preach its hypocritical political sermons to empty pews. In June, Putin wryly summed up the sad state of democracy in the world when he told a group of journalists, "After the death of Mahatma Gandhi, I have nobody to talk to." Incredible but true.
1. Nine U.S. Presidents Later, Fidel Castro is still Alive. One of the first things that Americans inquire about upon their arrival in the Russian capital is where they can purchase Cuban cigars. The only problem may be finding a place that permits smokers. Vive le Rossiya!
By Robert Bridge
